Sarcastically yours

I’ve made countless drafts wherein I’ve written a million times of my desire to write. I want to write something beautiful, mesmerizing piece of literature that would leave the reader speechless, touched and ecstatic. But I don’t know how. Every time the ink doesn’t flow so effortlessly after all. Every time the mesmerizing words don’t match the mood and thus overflows my dustbin with crumbled papers with half written dreams of a writer.

I have been doing some thinking and soul searching and I found that I don’t really have a deep, mysterious soul. I have a sarcastic one. Once I figured that out, the clouds parted and the light gushed in. Clean, clear and bright! I realised I don’t have to make others shed a silent tear after reading my essay or passage or a blog post because they experienced something magical or because it touched the most intimate part of their soul; the one that is active when you usually sit on an exotic and fancy beach with no bhelpuri walas and no plastic bags getting washed ashore in a far away land witnessing sunset on the last day of the vacation or when you’re walking on the shore bare feet with the moonlight melting at the horizon.. (yeah, I can write this stuff). They can read what I write and laugh or better still, roll their eyes.

Isn’t that the best compliment for sarcasm?

The Monsoon

After the scorching summer, comes the much awaited Monsoon! It’s the same everywhere; in all the corners of this round world. And yet, it is so unique to every single soul that lives! When the dusty roads burn in the afternoon sun, when the winds no longer blow away the sweat beads; and when the journey tires you out before you even set out, the Gods weave together the magic of the showers!

So much for the love of rains! We live the blue winters, the sweltering summer for the monsoon. And the rains; each one has its unique rain. For the depressed, its melancholy, for the innocent, the fun, for those in love; it brings out the romance in the air and for the old, some memories! The same rain that drenches you leaves the other one untouched. The rains never seem to touch their hearts, melt their mind and bring alive their soul. And for some, the cool breeze drenches the soul on a hot summer afternoon.

I have loved and lost, in the monsoon. Each season it takes me back to the time I wish I could hold on to, forever. The rains mean love to me. The rains remind me of the endless nights I have cried. The rains have witnessed me bare my heart; and they have seen me turn cold as death. Each monsoon, I relive my life for the past decade and wonder what if my love had lasted? What if I had held on it a little longer? The what ifs are endless, the self interrogation, futile and the questions, rhetorical. What if he never left? What if he believed? What if it never happened?

The showered and cleaner, greener trees have a different story to tell. For each monsoon they get soaked in the rains, bare themselves to the clouds and sway in the wind. It doesn’t last forever. For the monsoon ends, the winter sets in and the much celebrated lush greens now turn red and fall. The passionate love of the rains and the trees ends up in the soil. The trees now lifeless are still steadfast. For it believes in the love, in the passion and in the rain. Love blooms gradually and through the summer it blossoms and offers itself to the rains again.

Rains don’t always ruin. For there are a thousand year old oaks standing tall, bearing fruits of the love of the rain, the bitter winter and the sweet summer. For every time the tree withered, it bloomed with a renewed hope. It believed in the magic of love, in the roots it grew deeper in the soil and in the winds that swirled it around.

I will fall in love again. I will have faith again. I will open up my heart and bare my soul to the showers again. For I know it gets tougher before it gets easier. And when the summer winds stop gushing and nothing moves, there's a whiff of cool breeze that the shiny clouds bring in, swirling around the dust in the air and the sleepy winding, rugged path rustles a little; know that your petrichor awaits! 

                                                                                                   

Do you write?

"Do you write?"

The phone bleeped. A simple question burst into countless thoughts, of a given up dream, of a fizzled out resolution and of a defeated passion. Dejected, she replied that it had to come naturally. The phone buzzed again "to you!" it read. For someone sitting a thousand miles away, her writing appeals, and it mattered to her. That person mattered a lot more. Suddenly, she felt injected with positivity. The otherwise dull day suddenly seemed a little brighter.

She was no Shakespeare. Going to work was unavoidable. So she did. What does positivity do to a person needing it the most? She felt dusty, dry, lifeless earth and the message; a sky pregnant with April showers. A little sprinkling of positivity made the crowded bus a little more bearable. A dash of it faded out the screams and shouts of the street vendors and all she could hear was chirping of birds and the rustling leaves.

She could feel the wind in her hair and the blasting heat of the sun dimmed just for her. Her mind raced a thousand miles away from the balmy summer afternoon and she fluttered to a place only she had known. "The world could wait", she thought, "for a little while more". It was her time after a long and tiring wait.

Everything that met her eye seemed like a poem waiting to be penned. The seemingly insignificant faces floating by had a story to tell. If only they could, she though. She flew past them. She knew what she loved. The ink, the blank page and the indescribable euphoria.

I want to write

I want to write. A clean, blank paper calls out to me and the feeling to write is strong! Hypergraphia! Oh I know this feeling so well! I hold my pen and the ink flows effortlessly. I pour out my heart on the blank sheet. There are a hundred thousand thoughts that I think of and the rush of these in my mind is so overwhelming! I have a wonderful piece shaping up. I read it over and over again. I see the words, smell the fresh ink. It looks just about fine to me. To be able to write what I have, it has taken several days, even months to experience what I have over and over again. I have laughed, I have cried and have lived every emotion that lies in between. I have lived it countless times to know the exact words which could precisely describe the joy, the happiness and the elation when I have felt happy; to describe every tear I have shed, every memory I have relived and imagined situations where I would say or do things differently hoping my imaginations would actually turn to reality and then I know the sting of how the hopes are turned down. Oh how naive was I!

With closed eyes I see everything. I see an entire decade of my life flash by. Each day. Day after day. I have cried myself to sleep, have fought depression every single day, alone. I have cursed everyone around me and myself for everything that happened to me. Now, as I look over my shoulder, I feel at peace. Today my reality, my present is so much more different that what I dreamed of it to be. The future I wanted 10 years ago is now so distant now. It is a blurred memory. This is not what I had ordered! Alas, unlike in a restaurant, I cannot send it back. Well, had it been at a restaurant, I would have known what I had ordered for. I don't know if my present is what I want. Nevertheless, it is.

It is so amazing that nothing changes in life. Every day is just like the previous day, with a different date. And then in a reflective mood we look back and realise how far we have come! Nothing in life is the same anymore. People deeply in love are strangers now. Unknown places now make us feel at home. I find shards of broken promises and years later, the sting is just as fresh and sharp. Some wounds never heal after all. We just learn to live with them. But then, this life is good too!

Life teaches you and how! It teaches you everything that you ever need to know. Life is what happened to me while I still held on to my past and dragged myself through the present. So much has gone by without me having lived it. May be that's how it was meant to be! 10 years back, I lived only to dream about a perfect future for somebody else. Today I see the future shaped up but I am nowhere in the picture. 10 years on, I have learnt to live my present. I finally believe thatl the future will eventually fall in place.

I open my eyes to my present. The crisp blank paper stares back at me. Inviting! Hypergraphia I think. I want to write everything that I lived in the last few moments, an entire decade. I grab the pen and begin, "I want to write..."

Coping

Death is never easy. Be it of a person, a relationship, a dream or peace of mind. Untimely demise is even worse to cope with. Living life in guilt is the pain that even the deceased cannot endure.

I am devastated and I blame myself for everything. I inflict more pain to numb myself. I cut myself off from people, positivity and life. After the initial chaos, the dark, empty feeling sinks in making room for more darkness and emptiness. Self inflicted pain is addictive and like a whirlpool, it pulls me in deeper, and the loneliness surrounds me; closing on me making it difficult to breathe. I close my eyes to the world, where people are waiting to welcome me with open arms, where I have sunshine and warmth. The light seems too bright and it hurts my eyes. I shut my eyes tighter. The sounds fade, the light dims and I realise I am deeper inside my black, dark, cold loneliness. Now the darkness offers me calm. The light, the people, the chatter hurts my eyes, my mind and my soul. But the darkness... Ah! It hides everything. There is nothing I can see in the darkness. Nothing I can feel. I cry and nobody knows. I scream silently, cry silently and wonder at how the darkness takes it all in, my tears, fears, and my screams.. It absorbs everything and insulates me. The dark, cold negativity offers solace. I find peace in crying and inflict pain on myself further, only to cry more and feel numb. I look at the people in sunshine standing at a distance. I cannot hear a sound, cannot say a word. The tears have dried, the numb feeling is long gone. I lay there writhing in pain, yet again.

20th Dcember 2015: 3:00 am

"Move on .." she said. "It's time you put the past behind and think about your own self. Give yourself the much deserved importance. You must close the chapter, turn the page over... Move on.. You're worth more than what you have made yourself to be. Nothing changes between us. Ever."

The death ends. The healing has begun, although the scars will remain.

Time Warp

On a lazy afternoon, I opened my long forgotten old school bag, now covered in dust. I found old friends, first love, well kept secrets, promise; some kept, a few forgotten. I met a little girl with starry eyes, small enough to believe in miracles, big enough to think she knew everything she needed to know about life.

The little girl never had big dreams or grand plans for her future because she was too busy living her present. I met her friends, saw them laugh. I met her first love, who promised he would never leave her. Ever. I met her best friend in her classroom, clean, sharp sun light streaming in. They talked about books, studies, boys, friends, sometimes about nothing. There wasn't a word spoken but I could hear everything. I understood every moment they spent together!

The old, ragged school bag took me fifteen years back in time. Fifteen years! It is a long time. The books, the journals, the notes they passed in class. I found it all in the bag! I laughed reading them until I could see no more and I realised I was crying.

Just while I thought the girl had lost her love to time, a friend to an accident, innocence to life and her dreams to reality, I found them all in the old bag, sitting at the bottom; safe until I opened it again on a lazy afternoon.

New Beginnings!

Suddenly the romantic movies have all started seeming true.. Missing him is a part of her daily chores and she spends hours smiling at herself when she is not blushing while listening to him.. The wait is over.. They're finally in love..

There is always music playing and the guitar strums effortlessly.. Nights seem shorter when they spoke and endless was the day at work.. Never was she riding on the surge of love.. Today is their's.. No one knows until when.. It takes a while to fall in love but a only a moment to delve deeper, they learnt.

Love finds its way... For what is yours will always come around... It took half a decade for him to fall in love and she just began loving him all over again..!

Majhi Aaji

Mauu haat, surkutya padlela shareer, kapsa sarkhe pandhre kes and pathivarun firnara mayecha haat.. "Aaji" mhantla ki hey sarva aalach.

Majhi Aaji hi agdi ashich.. kimbahuna jagatlya itar sarva aajin peksha ti jasta saras hoti, jasta premal, jasta soshik and jasta kashtalu hoti asa majha pramanik mat aahe.

Pan majhi Aaji itkach navti. 94 varsha bharbharun jagli and dusryana bharbharun det geli. 

Being myself

Here we are in crisp, new, fresh 2015! So much has changed and yet nothing seems to be different. Its funny how things don't seem to be moving an inch every day and yet when we look back nothing is the same.

End of 2014 gave me a new job, a better salary, a smaller place to work, lesser travel, mediocre company and adjustment issues. 2015 has just begun this year like every year I am going to make resolutions. This year is mine! My time is now. I have loved and lost. And how! He has moved on and here I am still brooding, still crying, still waiting, still hoping that he would come back. It has been 6 years now. It is a long long time. Long enough for me to accept that he has indeed moved on.

This year I want live for myself. I want to focus on myself and do everything that makes me feel good. I am not sure what, not sure how. But I will figure out what can make me happy. I am amused that I do not know what can make me happy. I haven't been happy in a long time and have almost forgotten how it feels like to be happy. I don't have a plan. But I have a goal. My goal is knowing myself better by the end of this year. This year is not about thinking about my past. It is about finding my feet in my present. I want to feel beautiful. I want to be alone and be comfortable in my silence. I want to be me.

Until later.

Nothing describes how I feel

Uuugggghhhh.... I am tired... no no...!! I am totally exhausted so much so that I fear I might make a spelling error... thats a crime for someone who is so particular.. ya... enough... I realise that... so... I am exhausted.... I travel half Mumbai EACH day and come back... and its about4.5 hours of ONLY travel... if thats not enough I have an awfully disgusting, rude, inhuman creature as my boss... my boss's boss actually... but whatever... so this man enjoys torturing me... the evil grin on his face... :-( my otherwise outspoken and I care a damn self withdraws into a shell... and today he completes 1 year of joining the organization and with that all the 365 days of his insensitive remarks, comments flooded my mind...

I complete 5.5 years of being employed and now I dont know if I have been doing what I want to do... some might identify with me... some may not... but for now thats my truth... what is as is... I have this itch in my mind since several days... and somewhere inside me I know I want to do something else... but what? Again, I have no idea at all... I see myself slogging each day... there were days I felt good at the end of the day... and I thought that since it feels good to be tired I must be happy... you know what I mean? When you come home tired and very tired and very very tired and call it a day and when you sink into the bed... you get the semi sleep state wherein your body feels light and you realise you are drifting into sleep but you are awake enough to know you are sleeping...!! Yay.. I love that feeling... I feel like a floating spec... and then I vanish for about 5 or 6 hours... and it feels like 5 minutes... and when the alarm sets off... I pull myself out of the bed still tired... hoping to finish the day and feel that floating feeling again....

But now I realise that that feeling is the only thing I am chasing... and thats so pathetic...! I think of nothing else.... and of late the I am asleep before I know I am asleep...I am 27 and thats not a life I had planned for myself. Not that I had any huge plans anyways... but this is so much the opposite of what I want...

I am writing too much and I see no link between my thoughts... again... so not me! This is what stress can do to you! I lack courage to quit my job and find out what I want to do... I envy people who know what they want... and they get to to it! I lack clarity. Well I am glad that I know I lack clarity!

I am drifting in my thoughts again.. too much to be said.. very few words to describe it aptly. I wish I could speak to someone who knew everything and who would had a perfect advise for me; someone who knew me better than I claim to know myself so that they could  tell me what would make me happy and content.

I cant wait. I need clarity... any suggestion is welcome... only if his could garner some readers... until then I must help myself..

- A confused Soul

Love for you

When I think of rains I think of you When I think of love you occupy me When I look up at the sky you are my prayer When I close my eyes, you are the dream You are my rainbow, the burst of colours in the winter skies You are the dew drop of my cold mornings.. You brought me joy, comfort, love and belongingness And from the high I came gurgling down... The sun set on me, and the trust faded away, you had another morning in a far away land... The dew drop dried and the rainbow vanished... the cold skies remain dark and unglistening... I still close my eyes and dream of you... still look up in the sky and pray for you. You gave me love and I am glad we met, for as long as I am I will keep the promises we made. I will love you forever and even after that because true love is loving in whichever way I can.

Truth

When I think of rains I think of you When I think of love you occupy me When I look up at the sky you are my prayer When I close my eyes, you are the dream You are my rainbow, the burst of colours in the winter skies You are the dew drop of my cold mornings.. You brought me joy, comfort, love and belongingness And from the high I came gurgling down... The sun set on me, and the trust faded away, you had another morning in a far away land... The dew drop dried and the rainbow vanished... the cold skies remain dark and unglistening... I still close my eyes and dream of you... still look up in the sky and pray for you. You gave me love and I am glad we met, for as long as I am I will keep the promises we made. I will love you forever and even after that because true love is loving in whichever way I can.

Leftover Love

Its raining like crazy here... the entire day... Another week has gone by... i tried doing everything to distract myself... and failed.. every thought brings me to you... every feeling i have lived with you.. I wonder if you even remember things i can never forget... I will still wake up each day to another hope.. will pull through the week and break down again... when i cry again feeling lost.. will assure myself to dream again... there will be yet another day and a week and thus i will hope again...

Moving on

Today my sun sets on you... I believe there will be another dawn soon...

Cinderella

Cinderella; simple, hardworking, lonely soul, wooed by the Prince she goes for the Ball. With the charming Prince she dances & dines & drinks He mesmerizes her with his romance, his touch, a gaze and a kiss.. At the strike of the midnight walks away Cinderella The Prince bids her goodbye and the spell ends The dawn breaks as Cinderella waits Longs for the Prince to send her a love note.. There comes a message that she waited for so long Lust it was said he and now may be it'd gone.. Dont be serious, dont take it to your heart It was a moment, enjoy what we had Diaheartened and distraught, Cinderella cries Shows none of it to the deceiving Prince Her faith in love shakes, tells nothung to the Prince, When he asks her to forget, she says its clear Ripped off her innocence and belief in romance, The new age Cinderella relsolves to make it even She plans and plots to woo back the Prince This time she knows what to expect from him She primises herself to win over his love Only to dumphim when he gives her his soul As the night falls, she thinks to herself All she wanted was a fairytale She sees in her eyes dispise for the Prince Distrust grips her and leaves her incapable to feel love Hurt and wounded she goes to bed A choice to love or sin lies ahead The Prince she wants to spend her life with But knows without love nothing would be right A part of her still in love The other is planning to get even A decision undecided, she goes to bed Still hoping that her Prince would come back to her Dead in the night she wakes up with a start What if he was not her Prince at all She believed in love and her heart knew The real hero was waiting for her Her belief in love restored, she decides to call it even For she knows the real Prince would love her with all his hea Innocence died, obessession gripped and this is how today the modern Cinderella thinka Why should Cinderella sit in the Cinders weeping to heraelf? The wrong Prince better know that love isnt just a game. An incomplete fairytale dies in her tears.. As Cinderella gets ready to go back the Ball.. Dressed to impress and love in her eyes She wants to make sure the Prince falls for her He played his game and now it was her turn She would make him fall in love and set his heart to burn A game of hearts she will lead Until the real Prince comea by her side This time she'll know its her hero For she is loved and lost and learnt in life Cinderella I pity and also the Prince.. No one gets love and have nothing to win..

....

What are we? A failed plan... A lost hope.... A false prayer.... A fool's belief? We never know the future and yet plan it meticulously... and He shatters it all... a smirk, a smile and we whine in pain... we pray... we cry.... and nothing moves.. we give up hope and resume life... given to us not by our choice...

Being in Love

I like being in Love
I am loving being loved

For I know I can share, talk and dream with you
and I finally found my reason to smile in you

I am glad I'm in love and its with you
I am crazy about everything you do

You are the answer to all my doubts
I am happy you love me in all my moods

I am so crazy..Oh so crazy for you
Cant wait to run to you arms
feel your love and kisses for long

You're hugs are so warm
just so perfect, so strong
and so cozy I'm in your arms

I am in love and so glad to be
'Coz its you who makes the world perfect for me

For I know you'll never leave my side,
and though you go miles apart
you'll come back to me and together we are

I am happy it happened
and I am in love with you
Life's been a dream
and I am gliding through...

For I know you love me like nobody would
and just so you know you rock my world!!

Once upon a time... I'd all the time in the world... to call up people and spend hours talking to them... Once upon a time I'd time to be online the whole day catching up with my friends, talking about everything we just spoke over the phone...

Back in college we all wanted to pass out really soon; to take up jobs and become independent.... now we are all that we wanted to be... but what we have sacrificed is our fun time with friends... Now we have to freeze a time, a week in advance to chat up on a con-call...

Times flies. Life goes on. One evening, a friend buzzes and coincidentally the entire group comes online just about at the same time. Talk of telepathy.... the chatter begins... no one's listening.. everyone is talking... laughing... shushing the others; trying to finish their stories.. the heart is let out.... the months of "you know what!!!" stories are shared... the mind lets out a silent sigh... the clock ticks off... its already Monday morning. Time to go. Surprisingly, the goodbyes are cheerful.. its a perfect way to spend the weekend. Though tired, the mind is fresh, ready to take on the week.

The heart isn't heavy, for it knows friends will catch up again... very soon!!

In Love...

My head's in a spin... and my heart too... the world is tossing... I'm falling for you...

A lost friend

I thought she was my best friend
The best one I've ever had
Instead I found out the truth
And what I learned was sad
We still call each other friends
But I feel were far apart
Though we see each other every day
I have a broken heart
She has made new friends
And,I've made some too
We are talking less and less
And inside I am cold and blue
Each and every night I pray
That she will finally see
How much I want our friendship back,
And how much she means to me.