Time Warp

On a lazy afternoon, I opened my long forgotten old school bag, now covered in dust. I found old friends, first love, well kept secrets, promise; some kept, a few forgotten. I met a little girl with starry eyes, small enough to believe in miracles, big enough to think she knew everything she needed to know about life.

The little girl never had big dreams or grand plans for her future because she was too busy living her present. I met her friends, saw them laugh. I met her first love, who promised he would never leave her. Ever. I met her best friend in her classroom, clean, sharp sun light streaming in. They talked about books, studies, boys, friends, sometimes about nothing. There wasn't a word spoken but I could hear everything. I understood every moment they spent together!

The old, ragged school bag took me fifteen years back in time. Fifteen years! It is a long time. The books, the journals, the notes they passed in class. I found it all in the bag! I laughed reading them until I could see no more and I realised I was crying.

Just while I thought the girl had lost her love to time, a friend to an accident, innocence to life and her dreams to reality, I found them all in the old bag, sitting at the bottom; safe until I opened it again on a lazy afternoon.

New Beginnings!

Suddenly the romantic movies have all started seeming true.. Missing him is a part of her daily chores and she spends hours smiling at herself when she is not blushing while listening to him.. The wait is over.. They're finally in love..

There is always music playing and the guitar strums effortlessly.. Nights seem shorter when they spoke and endless was the day at work.. Never was she riding on the surge of love.. Today is their's.. No one knows until when.. It takes a while to fall in love but a only a moment to delve deeper, they learnt.

Love finds its way... For what is yours will always come around... It took half a decade for him to fall in love and she just began loving him all over again..!

Majhi Aaji

Mauu haat, surkutya padlela shareer, kapsa sarkhe pandhre kes and pathivarun firnara mayecha haat.. "Aaji" mhantla ki hey sarva aalach.

Majhi Aaji hi agdi ashich.. kimbahuna jagatlya itar sarva aajin peksha ti jasta saras hoti, jasta premal, jasta soshik and jasta kashtalu hoti asa majha pramanik mat aahe.

Pan majhi Aaji itkach navti. 94 varsha bharbharun jagli and dusryana bharbharun det geli. 

Being myself

Here we are in crisp, new, fresh 2015! So much has changed and yet nothing seems to be different. Its funny how things don't seem to be moving an inch every day and yet when we look back nothing is the same.

End of 2014 gave me a new job, a better salary, a smaller place to work, lesser travel, mediocre company and adjustment issues. 2015 has just begun this year like every year I am going to make resolutions. This year is mine! My time is now. I have loved and lost. And how! He has moved on and here I am still brooding, still crying, still waiting, still hoping that he would come back. It has been 6 years now. It is a long long time. Long enough for me to accept that he has indeed moved on.

This year I want live for myself. I want to focus on myself and do everything that makes me feel good. I am not sure what, not sure how. But I will figure out what can make me happy. I am amused that I do not know what can make me happy. I haven't been happy in a long time and have almost forgotten how it feels like to be happy. I don't have a plan. But I have a goal. My goal is knowing myself better by the end of this year. This year is not about thinking about my past. It is about finding my feet in my present. I want to feel beautiful. I want to be alone and be comfortable in my silence. I want to be me.

Until later.

Nothing describes how I feel

Uuugggghhhh.... I am tired... no no...!! I am totally exhausted so much so that I fear I might make a spelling error... thats a crime for someone who is so particular.. ya... enough... I realise that... so... I am exhausted.... I travel half Mumbai EACH day and come back... and its about4.5 hours of ONLY travel... if thats not enough I have an awfully disgusting, rude, inhuman creature as my boss... my boss's boss actually... but whatever... so this man enjoys torturing me... the evil grin on his face... :-( my otherwise outspoken and I care a damn self withdraws into a shell... and today he completes 1 year of joining the organization and with that all the 365 days of his insensitive remarks, comments flooded my mind...

I complete 5.5 years of being employed and now I dont know if I have been doing what I want to do... some might identify with me... some may not... but for now thats my truth... what is as is... I have this itch in my mind since several days... and somewhere inside me I know I want to do something else... but what? Again, I have no idea at all... I see myself slogging each day... there were days I felt good at the end of the day... and I thought that since it feels good to be tired I must be happy... you know what I mean? When you come home tired and very tired and very very tired and call it a day and when you sink into the bed... you get the semi sleep state wherein your body feels light and you realise you are drifting into sleep but you are awake enough to know you are sleeping...!! Yay.. I love that feeling... I feel like a floating spec... and then I vanish for about 5 or 6 hours... and it feels like 5 minutes... and when the alarm sets off... I pull myself out of the bed still tired... hoping to finish the day and feel that floating feeling again....

But now I realise that that feeling is the only thing I am chasing... and thats so pathetic...! I think of nothing else.... and of late the I am asleep before I know I am asleep...I am 27 and thats not a life I had planned for myself. Not that I had any huge plans anyways... but this is so much the opposite of what I want...

I am writing too much and I see no link between my thoughts... again... so not me! This is what stress can do to you! I lack courage to quit my job and find out what I want to do... I envy people who know what they want... and they get to to it! I lack clarity. Well I am glad that I know I lack clarity!

I am drifting in my thoughts again.. too much to be said.. very few words to describe it aptly. I wish I could speak to someone who knew everything and who would had a perfect advise for me; someone who knew me better than I claim to know myself so that they could  tell me what would make me happy and content.

I cant wait. I need clarity... any suggestion is welcome... only if his could garner some readers... until then I must help myself..

- A confused Soul

Love for you

When I think of rains I think of you When I think of love you occupy me When I look up at the sky you are my prayer When I close my eyes, you are the dream You are my rainbow, the burst of colours in the winter skies You are the dew drop of my cold mornings.. You brought me joy, comfort, love and belongingness And from the high I came gurgling down... The sun set on me, and the trust faded away, you had another morning in a far away land... The dew drop dried and the rainbow vanished... the cold skies remain dark and unglistening... I still close my eyes and dream of you... still look up in the sky and pray for you. You gave me love and I am glad we met, for as long as I am I will keep the promises we made. I will love you forever and even after that because true love is loving in whichever way I can.

Truth

When I think of rains I think of you When I think of love you occupy me When I look up at the sky you are my prayer When I close my eyes, you are the dream You are my rainbow, the burst of colours in the winter skies You are the dew drop of my cold mornings.. You brought me joy, comfort, love and belongingness And from the high I came gurgling down... The sun set on me, and the trust faded away, you had another morning in a far away land... The dew drop dried and the rainbow vanished... the cold skies remain dark and unglistening... I still close my eyes and dream of you... still look up in the sky and pray for you. You gave me love and I am glad we met, for as long as I am I will keep the promises we made. I will love you forever and even after that because true love is loving in whichever way I can.