Being myself

Here we are in crisp, new, fresh 2015! So much has changed and yet nothing seems to be different. Its funny how things don't seem to be moving an inch every day and yet when we look back nothing is the same.

End of 2014 gave me a new job, a better salary, a smaller place to work, lesser travel, mediocre company and adjustment issues. 2015 has just begun this year like every year I am going to make resolutions. This year is mine! My time is now. I have loved and lost. And how! He has moved on and here I am still brooding, still crying, still waiting, still hoping that he would come back. It has been 6 years now. It is a long long time. Long enough for me to accept that he has indeed moved on.

This year I want live for myself. I want to focus on myself and do everything that makes me feel good. I am not sure what, not sure how. But I will figure out what can make me happy. I am amused that I do not know what can make me happy. I haven't been happy in a long time and have almost forgotten how it feels like to be happy. I don't have a plan. But I have a goal. My goal is knowing myself better by the end of this year. This year is not about thinking about my past. It is about finding my feet in my present. I want to feel beautiful. I want to be alone and be comfortable in my silence. I want to be me.

Until later.

Nothing describes how I feel

Uuugggghhhh.... I am tired... no no...!! I am totally exhausted so much so that I fear I might make a spelling error... thats a crime for someone who is so particular.. ya... enough... I realise that... so... I am exhausted.... I travel half Mumbai EACH day and come back... and its about4.5 hours of ONLY travel... if thats not enough I have an awfully disgusting, rude, inhuman creature as my boss... my boss's boss actually... but whatever... so this man enjoys torturing me... the evil grin on his face... :-( my otherwise outspoken and I care a damn self withdraws into a shell... and today he completes 1 year of joining the organization and with that all the 365 days of his insensitive remarks, comments flooded my mind...

I complete 5.5 years of being employed and now I dont know if I have been doing what I want to do... some might identify with me... some may not... but for now thats my truth... what is as is... I have this itch in my mind since several days... and somewhere inside me I know I want to do something else... but what? Again, I have no idea at all... I see myself slogging each day... there were days I felt good at the end of the day... and I thought that since it feels good to be tired I must be happy... you know what I mean? When you come home tired and very tired and very very tired and call it a day and when you sink into the bed... you get the semi sleep state wherein your body feels light and you realise you are drifting into sleep but you are awake enough to know you are sleeping...!! Yay.. I love that feeling... I feel like a floating spec... and then I vanish for about 5 or 6 hours... and it feels like 5 minutes... and when the alarm sets off... I pull myself out of the bed still tired... hoping to finish the day and feel that floating feeling again....

But now I realise that that feeling is the only thing I am chasing... and thats so pathetic...! I think of nothing else.... and of late the I am asleep before I know I am asleep...I am 27 and thats not a life I had planned for myself. Not that I had any huge plans anyways... but this is so much the opposite of what I want...

I am writing too much and I see no link between my thoughts... again... so not me! This is what stress can do to you! I lack courage to quit my job and find out what I want to do... I envy people who know what they want... and they get to to it! I lack clarity. Well I am glad that I know I lack clarity!

I am drifting in my thoughts again.. too much to be said.. very few words to describe it aptly. I wish I could speak to someone who knew everything and who would had a perfect advise for me; someone who knew me better than I claim to know myself so that they could  tell me what would make me happy and content.

I cant wait. I need clarity... any suggestion is welcome... only if his could garner some readers... until then I must help myself..

- A confused Soul

Love for you

When I think of rains I think of you When I think of love you occupy me When I look up at the sky you are my prayer When I close my eyes, you are the dream You are my rainbow, the burst of colours in the winter skies You are the dew drop of my cold mornings.. You brought me joy, comfort, love and belongingness And from the high I came gurgling down... The sun set on me, and the trust faded away, you had another morning in a far away land... The dew drop dried and the rainbow vanished... the cold skies remain dark and unglistening... I still close my eyes and dream of you... still look up in the sky and pray for you. You gave me love and I am glad we met, for as long as I am I will keep the promises we made. I will love you forever and even after that because true love is loving in whichever way I can.

Truth

When I think of rains I think of you When I think of love you occupy me When I look up at the sky you are my prayer When I close my eyes, you are the dream You are my rainbow, the burst of colours in the winter skies You are the dew drop of my cold mornings.. You brought me joy, comfort, love and belongingness And from the high I came gurgling down... The sun set on me, and the trust faded away, you had another morning in a far away land... The dew drop dried and the rainbow vanished... the cold skies remain dark and unglistening... I still close my eyes and dream of you... still look up in the sky and pray for you. You gave me love and I am glad we met, for as long as I am I will keep the promises we made. I will love you forever and even after that because true love is loving in whichever way I can.

Leftover Love

Its raining like crazy here... the entire day... Another week has gone by... i tried doing everything to distract myself... and failed.. every thought brings me to you... every feeling i have lived with you.. I wonder if you even remember things i can never forget... I will still wake up each day to another hope.. will pull through the week and break down again... when i cry again feeling lost.. will assure myself to dream again... there will be yet another day and a week and thus i will hope again...

Moving on

Today my sun sets on you... I believe there will be another dawn soon...

Cinderella

Cinderella; simple, hardworking, lonely soul, wooed by the Prince she goes for the Ball. With the charming Prince she dances & dines & drinks He mesmerizes her with his romance, his touch, a gaze and a kiss.. At the strike of the midnight walks away Cinderella The Prince bids her goodbye and the spell ends The dawn breaks as Cinderella waits Longs for the Prince to send her a love note.. There comes a message that she waited for so long Lust it was said he and now may be it'd gone.. Dont be serious, dont take it to your heart It was a moment, enjoy what we had Diaheartened and distraught, Cinderella cries Shows none of it to the deceiving Prince Her faith in love shakes, tells nothung to the Prince, When he asks her to forget, she says its clear Ripped off her innocence and belief in romance, The new age Cinderella relsolves to make it even She plans and plots to woo back the Prince This time she knows what to expect from him She primises herself to win over his love Only to dumphim when he gives her his soul As the night falls, she thinks to herself All she wanted was a fairytale She sees in her eyes dispise for the Prince Distrust grips her and leaves her incapable to feel love Hurt and wounded she goes to bed A choice to love or sin lies ahead The Prince she wants to spend her life with But knows without love nothing would be right A part of her still in love The other is planning to get even A decision undecided, she goes to bed Still hoping that her Prince would come back to her Dead in the night she wakes up with a start What if he was not her Prince at all She believed in love and her heart knew The real hero was waiting for her Her belief in love restored, she decides to call it even For she knows the real Prince would love her with all his hea Innocence died, obessession gripped and this is how today the modern Cinderella thinka Why should Cinderella sit in the Cinders weeping to heraelf? The wrong Prince better know that love isnt just a game. An incomplete fairytale dies in her tears.. As Cinderella gets ready to go back the Ball.. Dressed to impress and love in her eyes She wants to make sure the Prince falls for her He played his game and now it was her turn She would make him fall in love and set his heart to burn A game of hearts she will lead Until the real Prince comea by her side This time she'll know its her hero For she is loved and lost and learnt in life Cinderella I pity and also the Prince.. No one gets love and have nothing to win..