January 09, 2016

I want to write

I want to write. A clean, blank paper calls out to me and the feeling to write is strong! Hypergraphia! Oh I know this feeling so well! I hold my pen and the ink flows effortlessly. I pour out my heart on the blank sheet. There are a hundred thousand thoughts that I think of and the rush of these in my mind is so overwhelming! I have a wonderful piece shaping up. I read it over and over again. I see the words, smell the fresh ink. It looks just about fine to me. To be able to write what I have, it has taken several days, even months to experience what I have over and over again. I have laughed, I have cried and have lived every emotion that lies in between. I have lived it countless times to know the exact words which could precisely describe the joy, the happiness and the elation when I have felt happy; to describe every tear I have shed, every memory I have relived and imagined situations where I would say or do things differently hoping my imaginations would actually turn to reality and then I know the sting of how the hopes are turned down. Oh how naive was I!

With closed eyes I see everything. I see an entire decade of my life flash by. Each day. Day after day. I have cried myself to sleep, have fought depression every single day, alone. I have cursed everyone around me and myself for everything that happened to me. Now, as I look over my shoulder, I feel at peace. Today my reality, my present is so much more different that what I dreamed of it to be. The future I wanted 10 years ago is now so distant now. It is a blurred memory. This is not what I had ordered! Alas, unlike in a restaurant, I cannot send it back. Well, had it been at a restaurant, I would have known what I had ordered for. I don't know if my present is what I want. Nevertheless, it is.

It is so amazing that nothing changes in life. Every day is just like the previous day, with a different date. And then in a reflective mood we look back and realise how far we have come! Nothing in life is the same anymore. People deeply in love are strangers now. Unknown places now make us feel at home. I find shards of broken promises and years later, the sting is just as fresh and sharp. Some wounds never heal after all. We just learn to live with them. But then, this life is good too!

Life teaches you and how! It teaches you everything that you ever need to know. Life is what happened to me while I still held on to my past and dragged myself through the present. So much has gone by without me having lived it. May be that's how it was meant to be! 10 years back, I lived only to dream about a perfect future for somebody else. Today I see the future shaped up but I am nowhere in the picture. 10 years on, I have learnt to live my present. I finally believe thatl the future will eventually fall in place.

I open my eyes to my present. The crisp blank paper stares back at me. Inviting! Hypergraphia I think. I want to write everything that I lived in the last few moments, an entire decade. I grab the pen and begin, "I want to write..."