December 26, 2015

Coping

Death is never easy. Be it of a person, a relationship, a dream or peace of mind. Untimely demise is even worse to cope with. Living life in guilt is the pain that even the deceased cannot endure.

I am devastated and I blame myself for everything. I inflict more pain to numb myself. I cut myself off from people, positivity and life. After the initial chaos, the dark, empty feeling sinks in making room for more darkness and emptiness. Self inflicted pain is addictive and like a whirlpool, it pulls me in deeper, and the loneliness surrounds me; closing on me making it difficult to breathe. I close my eyes to the world, where people are waiting to welcome me with open arms, where I have sunshine and warmth. The light seems too bright and it hurts my eyes. I shut my eyes tighter. The sounds fade, the light dims and I realise I am deeper inside my black, dark, cold loneliness. Now the darkness offers me calm. The light, the people, the chatter hurts my eyes, my mind and my soul. But the darkness... Ah! It hides everything. There is nothing I can see in the darkness. Nothing I can feel. I cry and nobody knows. I scream silently, cry silently and wonder at how the darkness takes it all in, my tears, fears, and my screams.. It absorbs everything and insulates me. The dark, cold negativity offers solace. I find peace in crying and inflict pain on myself further, only to cry more and feel numb. I look at the people in sunshine standing at a distance. I cannot hear a sound, cannot say a word. The tears have dried, the numb feeling is long gone. I lay there writhing in pain, yet again.

20th Dcember 2015: 3:00 am

"Move on .." she said. "It's time you put the past behind and think about your own self. Give yourself the much deserved importance. You must close the chapter, turn the page over... Move on.. You're worth more than what you have made yourself to be. Nothing changes between us. Ever."

The death ends. The healing has begun, although the scars will remain.

September 18, 2015

Time Warp

On a lazy afternoon, I opened my long forgotten old school bag, now covered in dust. I found old friends, first love, well kept secrets, promise; some kept, a few forgotten. I met a little girl with starry eyes, small enough to believe in miracles, big enough to think she knew everything she needed to know about life.

The little girl never had big dreams or grand plans for her future because she was too busy living her present. I met her friends, saw them laugh. I met her first love, who promised he would never leave her. Ever. I met her best friend in her classroom, clean, sharp sun light streaming in. They talked about books, studies, boys, friends, sometimes about nothing. There wasn't a word spoken but I could hear everything. I understood every moment they spent together!

The old, ragged school bag took me fifteen years back in time. Fifteen years! It is a long time. The books, the journals, the notes they passed in class. I found it all in the bag! I laughed reading them until I could see no more and I realised I was crying.

Just while I thought the girl had lost her love to time, a friend to an accident, innocence to life and her dreams to reality, I found them all in the old bag, sitting at the bottom; safe until I opened it again on a lazy afternoon.

August 20, 2015

New Beginnings!

Suddenly the romantic movies have all started seeming true.. Missing him is a part of her daily chores and she spends hours smiling at herself when she is not blushing while listening to him.. The wait is over.. They're finally in love..

There is always music playing and the guitar strums effortlessly.. Nights seem shorter when they spoke and endless was the day at work.. Never was she riding on the surge of love.. Today is their's.. No one knows until when.. It takes a while to fall in love but a only a moment to delve deeper, they learnt.

Love finds its way... For what is yours will always come around... It took half a decade for him to fall in love and she just began loving him all over again..!

January 04, 2015

Being myself

Here we are in crisp, new, fresh 2015! So much has changed and yet nothing seems to be different. Its funny how things don't seem to be moving an inch every day and yet when we look back nothing is the same.

End of 2014 gave me a new job, a better salary, a smaller place to work, lesser travel, mediocre company and adjustment issues. 2015 has just begun this year like every year I am going to make resolutions. This year is mine! My time is now. I have loved and lost. And how! He has moved on and here I am still brooding, still crying, still waiting, still hoping that he would come back. It has been 6 years now. It is a long long time. Long enough for me to accept that he has indeed moved on.

This year I want live for myself. I want to focus on myself and do everything that makes me feel good. I am not sure what, not sure how. But I will figure out what can make me happy. I am amused that I do not know what can make me happy. I haven't been happy in a long time and have almost forgotten how it feels like to be happy. I don't have a plan. But I have a goal. My goal is knowing myself better by the end of this year. This year is not about thinking about my past. It is about finding my feet in my present. I want to feel beautiful. I want to be alone and be comfortable in my silence. I want to be me.

Until later.