Death is never easy. Be it of a person, a relationship, a dream or peace of mind. Untimely demise is even worse to cope with. Living life in guilt is the pain that even the deceased cannot endure.
I am devastated and I blame myself for everything. I inflict more pain to numb myself. I cut myself off from people, positivity and life. After the initial chaos, the dark, empty feeling sinks in making room for more darkness and emptiness. Self inflicted pain is addictive and like a whirlpool, it pulls me in deeper, and the loneliness surrounds me; closing on me making it difficult to breathe. I close my eyes to the world, where people are waiting to welcome me with open arms, where I have sunshine and warmth. The light seems too bright and it hurts my eyes. I shut my eyes tighter. The sounds fade, the light dims and I realise I am deeper inside my black, dark, cold loneliness. Now the darkness offers me calm. The light, the people, the chatter hurts my eyes, my mind and my soul. But the darkness... Ah! It hides everything. There is nothing I can see in the darkness. Nothing I can feel. I cry and nobody knows. I scream silently, cry silently and wonder at how the darkness takes it all in, my tears, fears, and my screams.. It absorbs everything and insulates me. The dark, cold negativity offers solace. I find peace in crying and inflict pain on myself further, only to cry more and feel numb. I look at the people in sunshine standing at a distance. I cannot hear a sound, cannot say a word. The tears have dried, the numb feeling is long gone. I lay there writhing in pain, yet again.
20th Dcember 2015: 3:00 am
"Move on .." she said. "It's time you put the past behind and think about your own self. Give yourself the much deserved importance. You must close the chapter, turn the page over... Move on.. You're worth more than what you have made yourself to be. Nothing changes between us. Ever."