February 01, 2014

Nothing describes how I feel

Uuugggghhhh.... I am tired... no no...!! I am totally exhausted so much so that I fear I might make a spelling error... thats a crime for someone who is so particular.. ya... enough... I realise that... so... I am exhausted.... I travel half Mumbai EACH day and come back... and its about4.5 hours of ONLY travel... if thats not enough I have an awfully disgusting, rude, inhuman creature as my boss... my boss's boss actually... but whatever... so this man enjoys torturing me... the evil grin on his face... :-( my otherwise outspoken and I care a damn self withdraws into a shell... and today he completes 1 year of joining the organization and with that all the 365 days of his insensitive remarks, comments flooded my mind...

I complete 5.5 years of being employed and now I dont know if I have been doing what I want to do... some might identify with me... some may not... but for now thats my truth... what is as is... I have this itch in my mind since several days... and somewhere inside me I know I want to do something else... but what? Again, I have no idea at all... I see myself slogging each day... there were days I felt good at the end of the day... and I thought that since it feels good to be tired I must be happy... you know what I mean? When you come home tired and very tired and very very tired and call it a day and when you sink into the bed... you get the semi sleep state wherein your body feels light and you realise you are drifting into sleep but you are awake enough to know you are sleeping...!! Yay.. I love that feeling... I feel like a floating spec... and then I vanish for about 5 or 6 hours... and it feels like 5 minutes... and when the alarm sets off... I pull myself out of the bed still tired... hoping to finish the day and feel that floating feeling again....

But now I realise that that feeling is the only thing I am chasing... and thats so pathetic...! I think of nothing else.... and of late the I am asleep before I know I am asleep...I am 27 and thats not a life I had planned for myself. Not that I had any huge plans anyways... but this is so much the opposite of what I want...

I am writing too much and I see no link between my thoughts... again... so not me! This is what stress can do to you! I lack courage to quit my job and find out what I want to do... I envy people who know what they want... and they get to to it! I lack clarity. Well I am glad that I know I lack clarity!

I am drifting in my thoughts again.. too much to be said.. very few words to describe it aptly. I wish I could speak to someone who knew everything and who would had a perfect advise for me; someone who knew me better than I claim to know myself so that they could  tell me what would make me happy and content.

I cant wait. I need clarity... any suggestion is welcome... only if his could garner some readers... until then I must help myself..

- A confused Soul

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