I want to write

I want to write. A clean, blank paper calls out to me and the feeling to write is strong! Hypergraphia! Oh I know this feeling so well! I hold my pen and the ink flows effortlessly. I pour out my heart on the blank sheet. There are a hundred thousand thoughts that I think of and the rush of these in my mind is so overwhelming! I have a wonderful piece shaping up. I read it over and over again. I see the words, smell the fresh ink. It looks just about fine to me. To be able to write what I have, it has taken several days, even months to experience what I have over and over again. I have laughed, I have cried and have lived every emotion that lies in between. I have lived it countless times to know the exact words which could precisely describe the joy, the happiness and the elation when I have felt happy; to describe every tear I have shed, every memory I have relived and imagined situations where I would say or do things differently hoping my imaginations would actually turn to reality and then I know the sting of how the hopes are turned down. Oh how naive was I!

With closed eyes I see everything. I see an entire decade of my life flash by. Each day. Day after day. I have cried myself to sleep, have fought depression every single day, alone. I have cursed everyone around me and myself for everything that happened to me. Now, as I look over my shoulder, I feel at peace. Today my reality, my present is so much more different that what I dreamed of it to be. The future I wanted 10 years ago is now so distant now. It is a blurred memory. This is not what I had ordered! Alas, unlike in a restaurant, I cannot send it back. Well, had it been at a restaurant, I would have known what I had ordered for. I don't know if my present is what I want. Nevertheless, it is.

It is so amazing that nothing changes in life. Every day is just like the previous day, with a different date. And then in a reflective mood we look back and realise how far we have come! Nothing in life is the same anymore. People deeply in love are strangers now. Unknown places now make us feel at home. I find shards of broken promises and years later, the sting is just as fresh and sharp. Some wounds never heal after all. We just learn to live with them. But then, this life is good too!

Life teaches you and how! It teaches you everything that you ever need to know. Life is what happened to me while I still held on to my past and dragged myself through the present. So much has gone by without me having lived it. May be that's how it was meant to be! 10 years back, I lived only to dream about a perfect future for somebody else. Today I see the future shaped up but I am nowhere in the picture. 10 years on, I have learnt to live my present. I finally believe thatl the future will eventually fall in place.

I open my eyes to my present. The crisp blank paper stares back at me. Inviting! Hypergraphia I think. I want to write everything that I lived in the last few moments, an entire decade. I grab the pen and begin, "I want to write..."

Coping

Death is never easy. Be it of a person, a relationship, a dream or peace of mind. Untimely demise is even worse to cope with. Living life in guilt is the pain that even the deceased cannot endure.

I am devastated and I blame myself for everything. I inflict more pain to numb myself. I cut myself off from people, positivity and life. After the initial chaos, the dark, empty feeling sinks in making room for more darkness and emptiness. Self inflicted pain is addictive and like a whirlpool, it pulls me in deeper, and the loneliness surrounds me; closing on me making it difficult to breathe. I close my eyes to the world, where people are waiting to welcome me with open arms, where I have sunshine and warmth. The light seems too bright and it hurts my eyes. I shut my eyes tighter. The sounds fade, the light dims and I realise I am deeper inside my black, dark, cold loneliness. Now the darkness offers me calm. The light, the people, the chatter hurts my eyes, my mind and my soul. But the darkness... Ah! It hides everything. There is nothing I can see in the darkness. Nothing I can feel. I cry and nobody knows. I scream silently, cry silently and wonder at how the darkness takes it all in, my tears, fears, and my screams.. It absorbs everything and insulates me. The dark, cold negativity offers solace. I find peace in crying and inflict pain on myself further, only to cry more and feel numb. I look at the people in sunshine standing at a distance. I cannot hear a sound, cannot say a word. The tears have dried, the numb feeling is long gone. I lay there writhing in pain, yet again.

20th Dcember 2015: 3:00 am

"Move on .." she said. "It's time you put the past behind and think about your own self. Give yourself the much deserved importance. You must close the chapter, turn the page over... Move on.. You're worth more than what you have made yourself to be. Nothing changes between us. Ever."

The death ends. The healing has begun, although the scars will remain.

Time Warp

On a lazy afternoon, I opened my long forgotten old school bag, now covered in dust. I found old friends, first love, well kept secrets, promise; some kept, a few forgotten. I met a little girl with starry eyes, small enough to believe in miracles, big enough to think she knew everything she needed to know about life.

The little girl never had big dreams or grand plans for her future because she was too busy living her present. I met her friends, saw them laugh. I met her first love, who promised he would never leave her. Ever. I met her best friend in her classroom, clean, sharp sun light streaming in. They talked about books, studies, boys, friends, sometimes about nothing. There wasn't a word spoken but I could hear everything. I understood every moment they spent together!

The old, ragged school bag took me fifteen years back in time. Fifteen years! It is a long time. The books, the journals, the notes they passed in class. I found it all in the bag! I laughed reading them until I could see no more and I realised I was crying.

Just while I thought the girl had lost her love to time, a friend to an accident, innocence to life and her dreams to reality, I found them all in the old bag, sitting at the bottom; safe until I opened it again on a lazy afternoon.

New Beginnings!

Suddenly the romantic movies have all started seeming true.. Missing him is a part of her daily chores and she spends hours smiling at herself when she is not blushing while listening to him.. The wait is over.. They're finally in love..

There is always music playing and the guitar strums effortlessly.. Nights seem shorter when they spoke and endless was the day at work.. Never was she riding on the surge of love.. Today is their's.. No one knows until when.. It takes a while to fall in love but a only a moment to delve deeper, they learnt.

Love finds its way... For what is yours will always come around... It took half a decade for him to fall in love and she just began loving him all over again..!

Majhi Aaji

Mauu haat, surkutya padlela shareer, kapsa sarkhe pandhre kes and pathivarun firnara mayecha haat.. "Aaji" mhantla ki hey sarva aalach.

Majhi Aaji hi agdi ashich.. kimbahuna jagatlya itar sarva aajin peksha ti jasta saras hoti, jasta premal, jasta soshik and jasta kashtalu hoti asa majha pramanik mat aahe.

Pan majhi Aaji itkach navti. 94 varsha bharbharun jagli and dusryana bharbharun det geli. 

Being myself

Here we are in crisp, new, fresh 2015! So much has changed and yet nothing seems to be different. Its funny how things don't seem to be moving an inch every day and yet when we look back nothing is the same.

End of 2014 gave me a new job, a better salary, a smaller place to work, lesser travel, mediocre company and adjustment issues. 2015 has just begun this year like every year I am going to make resolutions. This year is mine! My time is now. I have loved and lost. And how! He has moved on and here I am still brooding, still crying, still waiting, still hoping that he would come back. It has been 6 years now. It is a long long time. Long enough for me to accept that he has indeed moved on.

This year I want live for myself. I want to focus on myself and do everything that makes me feel good. I am not sure what, not sure how. But I will figure out what can make me happy. I am amused that I do not know what can make me happy. I haven't been happy in a long time and have almost forgotten how it feels like to be happy. I don't have a plan. But I have a goal. My goal is knowing myself better by the end of this year. This year is not about thinking about my past. It is about finding my feet in my present. I want to feel beautiful. I want to be alone and be comfortable in my silence. I want to be me.

Until later.

Nothing describes how I feel

Uuugggghhhh.... I am tired... no no...!! I am totally exhausted so much so that I fear I might make a spelling error... thats a crime for someone who is so particular.. ya... enough... I realise that... so... I am exhausted.... I travel half Mumbai EACH day and come back... and its about4.5 hours of ONLY travel... if thats not enough I have an awfully disgusting, rude, inhuman creature as my boss... my boss's boss actually... but whatever... so this man enjoys torturing me... the evil grin on his face... :-( my otherwise outspoken and I care a damn self withdraws into a shell... and today he completes 1 year of joining the organization and with that all the 365 days of his insensitive remarks, comments flooded my mind...

I complete 5.5 years of being employed and now I dont know if I have been doing what I want to do... some might identify with me... some may not... but for now thats my truth... what is as is... I have this itch in my mind since several days... and somewhere inside me I know I want to do something else... but what? Again, I have no idea at all... I see myself slogging each day... there were days I felt good at the end of the day... and I thought that since it feels good to be tired I must be happy... you know what I mean? When you come home tired and very tired and very very tired and call it a day and when you sink into the bed... you get the semi sleep state wherein your body feels light and you realise you are drifting into sleep but you are awake enough to know you are sleeping...!! Yay.. I love that feeling... I feel like a floating spec... and then I vanish for about 5 or 6 hours... and it feels like 5 minutes... and when the alarm sets off... I pull myself out of the bed still tired... hoping to finish the day and feel that floating feeling again....

But now I realise that that feeling is the only thing I am chasing... and thats so pathetic...! I think of nothing else.... and of late the I am asleep before I know I am asleep...I am 27 and thats not a life I had planned for myself. Not that I had any huge plans anyways... but this is so much the opposite of what I want...

I am writing too much and I see no link between my thoughts... again... so not me! This is what stress can do to you! I lack courage to quit my job and find out what I want to do... I envy people who know what they want... and they get to to it! I lack clarity. Well I am glad that I know I lack clarity!

I am drifting in my thoughts again.. too much to be said.. very few words to describe it aptly. I wish I could speak to someone who knew everything and who would had a perfect advise for me; someone who knew me better than I claim to know myself so that they could  tell me what would make me happy and content.

I cant wait. I need clarity... any suggestion is welcome... only if his could garner some readers... until then I must help myself..

- A confused Soul